I wish I was a vampire so I could cry dramatic Blood Tears.

[allana]

So... male pregnancy fan fiction. Good grief. Yes, you read that correctly: male pregnancy. And I don't mean male pregnancy in terms of the cute little seahorses who gestate fertilised eggs whilst the female swans off and has fun elsewhere.

I've stumbled across it in Harry Potter fanfiction during my two week spell of insanity last year; usually where poor Harry is paired with Malfoy (well y'know, love and hate are practically the same thing!) whose half-Veela ancestry sends him into heat (!!) and searching for a mate. Inevitably, The Boy Who Lived ends up fathering a new Malfoy. Ick. Today I had the misfortune to read a Motley Crue MPREG. Alas, it was self-inflicted, I just couldn't stop myself from clicking on each new chapter. I blame my inner devil.

Now that I'm done washing my eyes out with bleach, I shall relate the sorry tale. Nikki and Vince are married. Awww. In this universe, men can have babies with ease! I haven't seen anything in this fic to suggest that the babies are gestating anywhere other than the bowel or lower intestine.

So. Let the shredding commence.



1. Vince tells Nikki that he's exactly four weeks pregnant. Really? Does he have a clock ticking down in his abdomen? I'm having a hard time suspending belief already.

2. Vince was having twins, but miscarried one. Apparently the nurse who confirmed he was pregnant has said it was only one. How on earth can you tell that at four weeks? In a regular (sane) pregnancy, you can't see anything until 6 weeks!

3. They go home after the miscarriage with a few tears shed. And then have sex. The reviewers oohed and ahhed over how realistic such a sensitive subject had been handled! All I could think was good grief. The fetus is gestating in the bowel and you're jiggling it around with some hot lovin'? In fact, you've just had a miscarriage and you're having sex instead of sleeping or crying? If I roll my eyes any further, they'll pop out.

4. Vinne gets pushed down the stairs. Yet doesn't have any ill effects or get told to stay in bed for 24hours. In a high risk pregnancy (don't let anyone try and convince me that a male pregnancy wouldn't be high risk!) with a twin miscarriage he'd have been bed-ridden anyway, certainly not fighting Satan!Tommy at the top of the stairs.

A few months pass....

5. The birth:

If there's one person that can make me feel better in any situation, it's Nikki. So I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as the doctors worked on me. I opened my eyes again and watched them pull out a tool and stick it in my belly button. I opened my mouth and screamed as they started to open me up. Tears rolled down my face while Nikki rocked Vanessa and watched, chewing on his lip. Suddenly, they pulled the baby out and pulled the tool out and closed up my belly button.

God, I wish I could give birth that easily! I'd be way happier at the prospect of having more than one child if they could just winch my bellybutton open, pull the sprog out, and then let me walk out happily an hour later. And no placenta! Bonus!

I fear I may be taking this too seriously :P

Comments

[dreammonkey.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry BUT...

Now I don't mean any offence to anyone who reads (or indeed writes... *curtseys*) fanfiction.

But what the hell kind of sick fuck comes up with this psychotic bullshit!?!?

MPREG

[madandy.livejournal.com]

Nooooooooooooooooo. Just yuk - haven't yet waded through an MPREG and hope to fuck I never will; incest fics are also icky. And your fic is very sane and normal, mate.

Well.

Almost.

:D

[glammetalkitten.livejournal.com]

The closest I have gotten to reading MPREG, on the Tallific archive, was not technically MPREG at all, since Kirk was a woman at the time. Er, yes, you read that right ;)

*Waves to Allana*