allana: (cringe)
Argh. I hate Customs & Excise.

£34.12 to pay on an order which cost £70ish, which included a huge amount of shipping, too. Fricking unbelievable. Of course, it doesn't help that the shipping company included the $55 shipping/handling in the "worth of goods" box, which I'm pretty sure affected the calculations. The only blesing is that they did put all the order in one box and I shan't be woken up tomorrow with more monetary demands.

Considering what I was buying, I can only look upon this as a Fat Tax.

Still, at least I now have a bit of variety in terms of maternity clothes. I actually look quite funky today :D Hopefully Dave approves since it was his treat!
allana: (rant)
Okay. We write RPS. We're already considered the lowest of the low in some eyes. Do we really need to compound matters by using sloppy writing habits?

I'll concede that some readers may read a Metallica slash fic without much idea of what characters look like, but in a multi-chapter story you don't need to continually give descriptions of the characters looks or their role in the band. I can just about deal with it in chapter one, but when it persists to the end of chapter two... I get somewhat cranky. Which means, dear crap-author, that you can dispense with shit like this:

James turned and looked down into the almost black eyes staring back at him. "Show you. I can do that." He leaned down and pressed his lips against the dark-skinned man's gently.

A few lines later "dark-skinned man" is repeated. Personally, I've never found Kirk to be that dark skinned, but that's probably just me. Throughout this fic, it's peppered with "the tall man", "the guitarist", "the small drummer" and so forth. You could halve instances of this jarring nonsense by actually using the characters names. Why do people hate using character names so much? Outside of dialogue, there's nothing wrong with it. (My problems with names in dialogue are this: I don't know anyone who continually uses their significant other's name when talking with them.)

Also, [livejournal.com profile] madandy pointed me towards this gem: The noble profile upturned, long eyelashes covering the light blue eyes, and golden mane flowing next to his toned arms, newly bronzed by the Florida sun. Noble profile, eh? In a rockstar? It sounds more like a sodding lion.

This rant was brought to you by some bad chocolate beer, which didn't have even the vaguest hint of chocolate in taste or aroma. I suspect a bar of chocolate was simply waved past a vat of beer....
allana: (Default)
Or... het vs. slash.

If you, as a reader, are vehemently against slash fiction, then why read a story clearly marked as slash and leave an unpleasant review complaining that all the characters are homosexual or bisexual? It's unnecessary and a tad rude. NB. This wasn't my fic, I'm just pissed on behalf of the author.

This little gem isn't going to win you any friends either: "this seems interesting.keep postzing more and please stick to het and gen.i couldn't bear to have another slash story on this site."

Can't we all just get along? Keep your eyes open for the warnings on fic; if they coincide with things you already know you don't like, then don't fucking read 'em.

On a completely different subject--anyone know what I can use to replace frozen whipped topping in a recipe?
allana: (Default)
So... male pregnancy fan fiction. Good grief. Yes, you read that correctly: male pregnancy. And I don't mean male pregnancy in terms of the cute little seahorses who gestate fertilised eggs whilst the female swans off and has fun elsewhere.

I've stumbled across it in Harry Potter fanfiction during my two week spell of insanity last year; usually where poor Harry is paired with Malfoy (well y'know, love and hate are practically the same thing!) whose half-Veela ancestry sends him into heat (!!) and searching for a mate. Inevitably, The Boy Who Lived ends up fathering a new Malfoy. Ick. Today I had the misfortune to read a Motley Crue MPREG. Alas, it was self-inflicted, I just couldn't stop myself from clicking on each new chapter. I blame my inner devil.

Now that I'm done washing my eyes out with bleach, I shall relate the sorry tale. Nikki and Vince are married. Awww. In this universe, men can have babies with ease! I haven't seen anything in this fic to suggest that the babies are gestating anywhere other than the bowel or lower intestine.

So. Let the shredding commence.

Read more... )
allana: (rant)
Talking of betas. I beta-ed for another slash writer the other day. She wanted detailed. So, she got detailed.

Unfortunately for her, the story was crap. Utter shite. So bad, that I wouldn't have wiped my own arse on it. (Disclaimer - this is my personal blog, I'm not naming names so I can be as fucking bitchy as I want. So, if you're reading this, and you think this is you - don't come bitching to me about it.) Anyway. I haven't heard a squeak out of her since. It's now been three days since I sent it back and I know she's got it as I (a) got a receipt and (b) I've seen her around to know that she's picking up her mail. The good conscience on my left shoulder says that maybe I was a bit too harsh and I should have been nicer. The sexy devil on my right, reckons that she asked for detail and I did let her know exactly how much detail she'd be getting (feedback by paragraph, grammar and punctuation correction, stylistic comments, characterisation - the list goes on) and she said she wanted all of that. I even said I liked a few bits which were okay. Relatively speaking, they were bloody excellent as compared to the rest of the drivel.

The lesson from this, for me, is that I'm not going to beta someone I don't already know. I can't deal with sappy characterisations of very manly men. And neither can I deal with incorrectly used ellipses, multiple exclamation and question marks at the end of many sentences. And lets not go into the typos. Does no-one read things through themselves before sending them away to be beta read?

"Hard-one", anyone?

Another thing - when did it stop being mandatory for there to be two spaces between sentences? I'm still going to follow that rule, goddammit!

So, if you're going to write fanfic, then go out and buy (at the very least) "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Lynn Trusswell. Very amusing read and you'll learn something at the same time. If you're awfully keen, then a grammar textbook wouldn't go amiss. If you can't bring yourself to spend any money on something worthwhile (or more likely: something that will make your brain work!), then at the very least read the wonderfully snarky Ms. Nitpicker's Guide to Marginally Readable Fan Fiction. The bitch in me will thank you.

Incidentally, what do they teach kids at school these days? They're clearly not teaching grammar. The best way to nick a motor? How to get pregnant by 14 and screw the state (and those of us who've worked and paid extortionate taxes) out of loads of money by moving into a council house and whining until the council then do it up to the nines for you? Hmm,I guess that's another rant.

P.S. I'm sure that there are typos and grammatical errors within this rant. How very ironic that would be. I'll ignore any bitching about those too. I have made a reasonable effort to proof! (Which is more than I can say for the youth of today.)

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January 2012

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